Love Doesn't Have to Be Complicated

Love doesn’t have to be so complicated!

One of my best friends is so good at giving love advice. Lots of other kinds of advice, too but… in my opinion, relationships are her specialty. She’s given me two pieces that have really stuck with me over the years.

The First: I was in a 5 year relationship with Nice Guy. Everyone liked him. I liked him. We just were not right for each other. In the 5 years we were together, I never wanted to marry him. I never considered having children with him. I guess I just knew it wasn’t going to work out. We had some major personality differences - and without placing blame too much but in an effort to be concise… he was not very motivated or ambitious, didn’t really have much interest in seeing the world, and he tended to be passive aggressive. But he had a huge heart, lots of compassion, loved his family very intensely. It just seemed like we were always trying to wait for some crisis in our relationship to pass. And there was always some crisis. Constant couples counseling did nothing.

One day, I was on the phone with Wendie, telling her yet again how upset I was about something that had happened or not happened. She said to me, “Melissa. You two have been dealing with the same issues for years. Are things any different today than they were a year ago?” “No,” I replied. “And… honestly, do you see them being any different a year from now than they are today?” And that was it. She was absolutely right. What was I doing? That night, I broke up with him. And it was such a relief. That was 5 years ago, and I have passed this advice on to other friends since then. Granted, if you’re not really ready to hear it - you may not. Or it may stick with you and 6 months later… when you’re ready, you’ll remember.

The Second: I was in a 3 month relationship the summer after Nice Guy. Insecure Guy was the opposite of Nice Guy. He was interested in seeing the world, had a great job, was ambitious. But he was kind of a jerk. Have you ever met the insecure guy who tries to make you feel insecure so that he can feel better about himself? Without boring you with details, I’ll just say he was very vague about women in his recent past, and would say things -- or not say things, knowing it would upset me. I couldn’t see any of this. All I could see was that he was SO different from Nice Guy… I thought I better hold on to him tight. When the inevitable break up happened, it was one of those long, drawn out things where he totally kept me hanging for months. The whole thing was ridiculous… he fed me lines like “I just can’t be with you right now”…. “I can’t have my heart broken by you again”. Ugh. So Wendie said “Melissa. It shouldn’t be this hard. When two people want to be together, they just are.” Oh.

Fast forward to today. I’ve been with The One for a little over 3 years. I can count on one hand the number of substantial fights we’ve had. We met, we liked each other, we dated, we moved in together. That’s it. We’re honest with each other, we’re kind and respectful to each other, we laugh all the time, we enjoy the same things and have the same sort of dreams for the future. This relationship is not riddled with drama. When two people want to be together, they just are. It’s not that complicated.

You can find more advice from Wendie here.