You Just Call Out My Name...

Tomorrow night, I'm going to see my friend Karen for the first time in 2 years. That picture was taken of us in Las Vegas back in 2001. We went on a joint vacation... she with her husband Rich and me with my then boyfriend. About a year later, she left me to move to Las Vegas.

We met during the summer of 1988. We both worked at McDonald's and she had just gotten her drivers license. That summer, there were 5 of us girls that hung out together every single day. As happens with teenage girls, you find the one you connect with the most, and she becomes your best friend. It didn't take long for Karen to become mine. She drove her mother's Dodge Caravan (or, the "KarenVan") and we all piled in... to just drive around, or go to the mall or parties or whatever. We told each other everything - deep, dark secrets, biggest fears and dreams for the future. We proceeded to spend the next several years talking every day, seeing each other most days of the week. We went through high school graduation, boyfriends, college (her, not me), sororities (I was so jealous), jobs, her engagement to a guy nobody liked, my first marriage...

When I got married at the tender age of 20, Karen was my maid of honor. My ex-husband's best friend had always had a crush on Karen. The night of my rehearsal dinner, it was clear that there was a real attraction between the two of them. She had a boyfriend at the time who lived hours away and she was faithful. After the wedding, my ex and I moved to an apartment complex and my ex's best friend moved into the building next door. We had lived with him for several years before the wedding in an effort to save money and now that we were married it was time to live on our own. But I guess we weren't ready to make a complete break. Heh.

Karen and I continued to spend a lot of time together, talking every day. She got engaged to her long distance boyfriend. We were going to be two young brides together.

Then they broke up.

She was devastated. For about 2 days.

It was Thanksgiving Day, and it just so happened that neither she nor the ex husband's best friend had anywhere to go, so they came with us to my aunt's house. The chemistry between the two of them was palpable. They sat near each other all day, then that night they went out. She and Rich were engaged a month later, married a year after that, and have been together ever since. That was 1995.

I got divorced a couple years later and spent several years dating the wrong guys, chasing the wrong guys, working at bad jobs, finally finding a great job. In the meantime, I moved about 20 minutes away. We continued to be close, talking several times a week. I met a guy (I'll call him J) who would become my boyfriend for 5 years, and who would ultimately play a role in my disconnect with Karen...

When I look back now on that relationship, I realize that I let it affect several of my friendships. Without getting into details, it was exhausting. SO much focus had to go to him and the relationship, I was tired. And I did nothing but defend him, even when he didn't deserve it. To make it worse, he worked for the same company that Karen and Rich worked for. He had the same job they did, just in a different location. So... they knew all too well, how poorly he was performing at work. And, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was embarrassed by his inability to succeed. I wanted to support him and WANTED him to be successful, but he just wasn't. I wondered what they thought of him... and I knew that if I were them, I'd wonder why he had such a hard time doing the same job I was doing.

In the meantime, Karen and Rich decided to move to Las Vegas. I, of course, was devastated. I felt like she was leaving me, when I needed her most. But how could she know? I spent so much time defending the guy, I never really talked to her, as my best friend, about how I really felt. To further complicate matters, they sold their house and needed a place to stay for a couple of months before they moved. Of course, I insisted they stay with us.

What that meant was staying in the house we had recently bought from J's family. He had started renovations, and like with most things, he ran out of steam. I was so embarrassed by the state of our home, and again... was too proud to talk to her about it because if I said it out loud, I might have to do something about it. And I wasn't ready. That came later.

We really grew apart during that time, and to make matters worse, he came home one day telling me a story about how he heard that Karen was talking about him behind his back to people at their company. I wanted so badly to support him... and quite honestly, what he told me she said, I felt myself... so I couldn't really blame her. I don't even remember what it was now. I didn't want to start a fight while they were living with us, so I did the very mature thing and just completely avoided both of them. I even stayed in bed the morning they left for Vegas. I didn't even say goodbye, and I'll never forgive myself for that.

Several months later, J was in a minor car accident and she heard through the grapevine so she called me to ask how he was. We finally talked and she told me she wished I had talked to her then. I wish I had, too. For what it's worth, I've since learned to be direct when something's bothering me and not keep it bottled up inside. So, I guess I took my lesson from that experience.

I've obviously moved on from the relationship with J, and continue to stay in touch with Karen. We may not talk for 9 months or so, but when we do, it's like no time has passed. Two years ago, they came home for a visit and met Bob. I was so happy for them to meet him... he's just so much better for me and I know they can see that. When she tells me how happy she is for me, I can feel how much she means it. It's a good feeling to be proud of your spouse.

The time difference is tough, but we've found that through Facebook we can stay in touch better than we've been able to for several years now. I'm excited to see Karen and Rich tomorrow night... they're coming home for a visit just as we're leaving for Aruba so we won't be able to do more than dinner. But I'll take what I can get.

Every relationship goes through phases. You grow apart, and you grow together. You make mistakes and learn from them. But if they're worth it, you put in the time and in the end, you are rewarded. It's kind of like what Wendie says about tough decisions.... sometimes you make the tough decision, the one you know is right, and you are rewarded. Life is a series of choices.

There is nothing like a friendship formed in childhood, when your best friend was your world. Twenty years later, I know how lucky I was to find her then... and I'm not letting her go again!